With a girl

So this one time, My girlfriend was going down on me. As she went as low as she could go my pubic hair tickled her nose and she sneezed. Now I have two permanent teeth marks and a girlfriend who refuses to try again. That's my story.

So this one time, I'm at a bar and meet a girl. We hit it off and end up back at my place. We're ripped, the clothes come off and we're bangin it out on my bed. No foreplay- straight to it. After 15 min she starts to complain that it hurts- a LOT- all of a sudden, it hits her. SHE FORGOT TO TAKE HER TAMPON OUT. That's my story.

So this one time, I had sex with my girlfriend in the woods by my house. It was great... until we realized that she was laying on an ant bed. That's my story.

So this one time, I was shopping in Goodwill with my girlfriend. We had a whole cart of clothes to try on and went into the dressing room together. She's smokin' hot so I couldn't help but start banging her. A few minutes into it, I hear a loud knock on the door. After scrambling to get my clothes on, I open the door to see everyone in the store glaring at me and one dad about ready to tear my head off. As we walked out in shame, the cashier says "this isn't a hotel!" Down boy!! That's my story.

So this one time, my wife and I were having sex. My wife says with a strange look on her face that she feels something strange between her legs. We ignore it, but a few minutes later I am shocked to have a similar sensation on my balls. My stupid cat thought that would be a good time to stick her sandpaper tongue on them. That's my story.

So this one time, my girlfriend and I were visiting her parents while we were in college. That night, we decided to get frisky, and just as things were getting hot, her 20 year old day bed fell apart with a loud crash. That's my story.

So this one time, I had been cooking with peppers. Habeneros. So later that night, I start fingering my girlfriend. At first its like "oooh, yeah. mmmmm... yeah." Then it progresses to "uhhhh. hmmm. uhhhh." then finally "OMGWTFBBQ my p***y is on fire!!!!!11121!!1!!!". Yup. Habenero juice all over the v****a. Needless to say, all further frisky behavior ceased, and now SHE cuts the peppers. That's my story.

So this one time, I hooked up with this hot girl from a bar while I was on a business trip to Miami. When we get to the room, she strips off my clothes and handcuffs me to the bed. She then grabbed my wallet and left. That's my story.

So this one time, my shoulder muscles were really tight and I let my friend massage me with capsasin (like icy hot). It was working and I felt better. Well, we started messing around and she forgot to wash her hands. She started to touch me in my private areas. After a little while, my lady parts started to burn. I all but jumped out of the bed with my crotch on fire. That's my story.

So this one time, I went down on my girlfriend and found out the hard way why girls are 'supposed' to wipe front to back first. That's my story.

So this one time, yeah me and my wife were doing the old missionary position. when suddenly out of no where comes this (what feels like) ice cube enema. apparently our 6 month old puppy had gotten a little curious as to what all the commotion was about and had to stick his nose in the middle of my business. That's my story.

So this one time, I decided to hook up with this girl from one of the shows in Vegas. This b****h gave me herpes. Fortunately, I gave her gonorrhea. That's my story.

So this one time, my girlfriend called out her brother's name in bed. That's my story.